Because everyone's birthday should be a week long...

The photo is grainy and I am regrettably more prominent than The Birthday Girl, but it just captures her essence so well. On Sunday my dear old friend Melissa turned 28...

10. About 5 years ago we realized that we were coming up on our 10-year anniversary of friendship. We talked exhaustively about our big plans for an anniversary date, and (shockingly), that never actually happened. Nor did, for that matter, our 15th Anniversary date.

9. Mel and I have a special relationship...if you see or hear us throwing vicious threats (i.e. "You haven't rented 30 Rock yet? I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!") or, alternately, being a little pseudo-sexual and disturbingly affectionate, don't worry. We both like our boys plenty well. We just have an interesting dynamic that includes a little dirty talk every now and then. Just love us anyway, okay?

8. Speaking of which...Mel has a little habit of talking in her sleep. A few years ago in a hotel room in Anaheim, I was awakened by her mumbling. I said, "What?" She said, "I want to put your butt in my mouth." I said, "WHAT?" (laughing very hard, mind you), and she said, "It's a San Diego thing." Laura: "A SAN DIEGO THING?" Melissa: "Actually, it's a WORLD thing." Best conversation I've ever had with her. The other day I sent her a text message that said, "Happy birthday, Buttmouther."

7. I've called Melissa many nicknames over the years, including Pooky, Sugar, Smelly Melly, Kymmel (which is actually used when referring jointly to her and Kym), and the aforementioned Buttmouther. I think it's a keeper, don't you?

6. In 7th grade we walked home from school together all the time even though she lived just far enough away to ride the bus. Usually our travels took us to DeRosa's Party Store for a Little Debbie and Crystal Pepsi. One day we had gotten only so far as the Crystal Bar when I suddenly turned around and slapped her across the face For No Apparent Reason. She said, "Ow! Why did you do that?" I said, "I don't know, I just felt like it." We both found it incredibly funny at the time...and still do. (I'm so glad that I've learned some basic social norms since.)

5. Melissa has given me some nicknames, too, which include PiPi, Pooky, and Chia Pet. (Ask me about that last one some other time...not for the squeamish.)

4. Melissa and I met in 7th grade...hard to say whether or not it was in band class or in swim club. We competed against each other for first chair clarinet, played Celebration by Kool and the Gang, went to countless swim meets together, spent our summers going for bike rides and runs, got our moms to drive us to the mall for Champion shirts and Bass shoes, went sledding at Dead Man's Hill with trays stolen from Wendy's, watched The Cutting Edge in her basement, ended up college roommates (best time of my life), and I drove with her across the country when she moved to LA 3 1/2 years ago. I never knew that you could have so much fun squished in an overpacked Chevy Cavalier for four days straight. Better vacation than even my honeymoon, I tell you.

3. Back in the day we had another friend named Lisa, who once said that Melissa's sister was actually her mom, her mother was actually her Aunt Frank, and her father was named Larry Bon-Bon. I've been calling Larry that ever since, much to Melissa's chagrin.

2. Have I mentioned that we were WEIRD ADOLESCENTS who ended up surprisingly well-adjusted?

1. Melly now lives in West Hollywood with her boyfriend Ray (who is perfect for her) and her cat Napoleon...she's armed with a fresh Masters in Film and is working on breaking into the film editing industry. I made her promise to take me to the Oscars someday.