A quagmire of epiphanies (both complete and partially formed)

Yesterday was a day of wrestling...with numbers on a yellow legal pad, with expectations, and with God.

In short, we decided to walk away from our condo purchase.

Upon evaluating the final numbers and our own situation, we came to realize that it simply wasn't wise for a number of reasons. As much as we wanted to do this, we want to make sure we're coming at it from a position of financial strength, more so than right now.

Wrestling is tiring. But it brings freedom, too, and we're feeling that in spite of our disappointment. I'm tempted to be a little embarrassed about the whole thing, especially with how much we've been talking about it to people, but ultimately I'm proud of the decision we made and know that you all support us in spite of our occasional starry eyes. (And believe me, this assurance comes only after a meltdown on my part where I may or may not have said, "I'm that foolish person they always talk about in the Bible!" There was anguish and gnashing of teeth and everything.) Wrestling is painful and gut-wrenching.

After making this decision, we rushed to our 3:00 appointment for more soul-searching as conducted by a professional (aka counseling - not really related to above epiphany) and the conversation turned to my frustration with where my career is (or, rather, isn't) going. My frustration with how hard I work and how my worth as a counselor can't be measured by a formulaic job evaluation (or a suitable paycheck, for that matter). Mario (blessed man) asked me what I want to do, ultimately. I said school counseling. He then started talking about networking, about how I need to sell myself, etc. I started thinking about how difficult and awkward that sounds (albeit necessary)...then I started thinking about something Mario had said earlier...about private practice. About how he found a lot of freedom in that. And I recalled how I had thought in the past how good he has it - not having to deal with bureaucrazy (misspelling accidental but totally appropriate), insurance companies, etc. About how at the age of 16 I had read Reviving Ophelia and decided that I wanted to be a psychologist who works with depressed teenage girls and how that was what started all these shenanigans in the first place.

On the walk back out to the car, Josh said, "What are you thinking?" And I replied, "Don't talk. I'm thinking."

Truth was, I wasn't just thinking. I was listening. Realllllly listening for the first time in awhile. I was asking God if I need to alter my path a little, if I need start pursuing my original ambition. And I got kind of excited.

I don't know where this will lead, but my outlook, attitude, and list of possibilities is changing. Prayers, please...or, as Diane would say, have a little talk with Tiger for me.

::

On a lighter note, I've been watching a lot of 80s sitcoms on TV today. Almost on purpose...Little House on the Prairie, Full House, Family Matters, and now Roseanne (something tells me it's time to find something else to do). A number of thoughts came to mind:

+ Poor Uncle Jesse with the pink bunnies on the wall!
+ I'm so glad that I don't have to call my mother in law something like Mother Winslow
+ I wonder what young Judy Winslow is doing with her career these days?

A quick search of imdb.com told me that Young Judy Winslow had a foray into hardcore pornography, which saddened me greatly. I then read her bio, which told me that she has since walked away from it and is once again pursuing a legitimate acting career and religion, which made me happy.

Right. Must find something else to do. Signing off.